Over the past few days, I’ve been sifting through World Vision’s website. It’s exhausting. There are so many ways to give and so many people need help. I’m afraid that I might help one person, but miss another who was dying. I know what my mom would say. She would tell me to “pray about it. God will show you.”
But then I’m brought face-to-face with my uncertainty about hearing God’s voice. I used to be so sure, back when I was sure about everything. Then I would pray and ask God, “God, do I do X?”….wait for a whispered yes or no. Then, just to be sure, I would ask it the opposite way: “God, do I do Y?” I would feel certain that God was on my side, then–that what I had decided was ordained of the Spirit, and that I could walk forth on it, nothing doubting. It was holy.
But now I’m scared when I think that God has told me to do something because people use that excuse a lot.
I just read a post by Addie Zimmerman at her blog How to Talk Evangelical (she is really lovely, by the way, and I can’t read enough of her blog). In the post, she discusses the injury that can result when people claim God’s authority in their actions, when they say, “I was led,” because then, what can you say in return? When a boy breaks up with a girl in high school, for example, and says God led him to do it, the girl not only feels rejected by the boy, but also by God, Addie says.
When she used that example, I immediately was transported back to my high school youth group. I think the building was constructed in the seventies. It was mostly old and brown–brown carpet, brown plastic paneling on the walls, brown ceiling. I remember the boy breaking up with the girl, saying he was led to do it. I remember being angry even then at the excuse. How convenient, I thought. How easy for you.
When I was married, the threat of a sudden command from God hung over me like a frightening cloud. I knew that my ex wanted to move west, Far West, and that it would take me away from my family, from my friends. I asked him, “You wouldn’t make me move so far away, would you?” But I believed then in his authority as the “head” and that if he heard the Calling to move to the other side of the country, that I would be compelled to follow. And I was angry and always afraid.
I sat a few weeks ago with a friend, both of us sipping from paper cups of coffee at our place we always go on Saturday mornings, and I asked if she believed God talks to us. We discussed the matter, but didn’t come to any conclusions. I guess that’s okay. More and more of what I understand about God is inconclusive. It’s in categories rather than direct answers. I know Jesus says to love, and so I love. What he says about X, Y, and Z, I’m not always sure, so I just love, and do my best to make the right decisions. I know that God is just, and so I try to show justice, even when I’m not sure what He would say about this or that political decision. And when I wonder if God talks to me, I still don’t know. I know His Spirit moves in us, and when I ask for guidance, I’m sure He answers somehow. But I’m not comfortable claiming to hear the The Voice of God, because I’m fallible. I could be wrong. I would rather bow in humility, and say, “this is my best. This is what I think is right. I could be wrong, but I think this reflects Christ the best.”
As my friend observed as we drank coffee, God gave us brains for a reason. Certainly, at times, God may give us instructions sometimes that may seem counter-intuitive, like when He told Noah to build ark. But I believe that often the right thing to do makes sense. It’s in the law written on our hearts. We know.
So I will go back to World Vision’s site, and give to someone in need because the Bible says to feed the hungry and help the poor. I have not gotten a clear answer when I asked, “God, which person should I give to?” so I will simply give, knowing it is right to give.
Caffe Vita 